Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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