that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
