Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
