it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
sex in a hospital.. check
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
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