This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
