Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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