hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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