just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
