Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
