They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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