She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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