Me. At least after what I've been through.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
