We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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