That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
