I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I need to wash the frat house off of me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize