You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
