I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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