At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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