There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
