I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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