Where is the hickey?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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