She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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