did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize