Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
