Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
