She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize