Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
