I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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