You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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