You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
