I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
