I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
