There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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