don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
