Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
