Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
