The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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