Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
