This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
God, I missed his penis.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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