He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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