My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
