In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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