no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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