im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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