News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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