The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
