I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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