im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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