The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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