My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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