I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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