boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
