Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
