I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
