if i can run in heels then i can drive
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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