In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize