I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
