the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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