I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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